His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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