someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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