I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize