I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
