i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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