listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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