I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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