tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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