We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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