He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
