So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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