i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
