K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
