I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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