I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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