my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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