I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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