I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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