i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
