I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
