she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Send help, water and tortillas.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
