I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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