I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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