Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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