Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize