"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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