mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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