I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
what is it with giant penises always finding me
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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