I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
