My sheets look like a crime scene.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
