Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
