I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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