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Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Who put my cat in the fridge?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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