I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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