Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
