I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
