what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
the liver wants what the liver wants
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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