sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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