Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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