I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
