...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
