His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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