I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
