I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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