I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
