You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
