I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
