the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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