That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
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