wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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