Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
