Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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