guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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