Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
