i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
