Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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