I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
