Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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